This month, we'd like to share a true story about a team of four equals, three of whom saw John, who was much older and had been with the company for many years, as the weak link.  Not only was he sullen and negataive, he was always late submitting the data and reports they needed to complete their work in a timely fashion.

 

Two team members had already met with John to accuse him of not pulling his weight.

 

"This has got to stop or else..." they said. "If you don't start producing, we're going to take action."

 

But they soon saw that their threats had done everything but inspire John's cooperation as he continued to inhibit their ability to produce quality work on time.  While they got to tell John how they really felt and vent their anger and frustration, their conversation didn't produce positive results or move the team forward in any way.

 

As a last resort, the pair asked Jane to talk to him.  She reluctantly agreed to try, but had no idea what to say to John or how to say it.

 

"I hate confrontations and accusing and threatening just isn't my style."  she said, when she asked Mandel Newman for advice.

 

To start a basic dialogue, Mandel lNewman suggested making a simple statement, followed by an open-ended question:  "I didn't get that report I needed from you last week.  What happened?"

 

"You're the first person that's been interested in what's happening - the others just come at me with criticism and demands," John replied when Jane met with him.

 

As Jane listened, she discovered that the way John saw it, she and the other team members really clicked.  After all the three of them were more or less the same age as well as relatively new to the firm.  As a result, they worked closely together, sharing ideas and supporting one another.  John felt left out, which tended to make him pull even further away while coming across as cranky and resentful.  Jane kept her ears open and mouth closed to learn that he also believed that they under-valued both his knowledge and experience.

 

"We didn't talk to him and he didn't talk to us which just made it all worse as everyone simmered and stewed," says Jane.  "As a team, the three of us hadn't treated John very well."

 

Jane appreciated his openness and told him so.  While the situation remains less than perfect, it has vastly improved with John delivering to deadlines.  As well, they're all treating each other with more respect and consideration.

 

Tips on Tackling the Conversations You Dread the Most

 

1) Be open, curious and focused on getting information rather than making

    assumptions or assigning blame.

2) Listen more than you talk.

3) When you speak, listen to yourself and pay attention to the tone of voice  

    and language you're using.  Are you being patronizing, accusatory, critical?

    Be honest with yourself.

4) Use the word "I" instead of "you" which tends to come into play when we're

    trying to ask someone to change their behaviour.

5) Focus on identifying the issues and solutions rather than someone's attitude

    or character traits.

6) Make a statement, then ask a question such as "What happened?  What do

    we need to change going forward?"  Avoid why questions which tend to

    produce less-than-productive analysis and rationalization responses.

7) Avoid the classic positive, negative, positive sandwich.  It's manipulative

    and most of us know we're being set up.

 

If you want more of these tips, look for next month's newsletter and visit our Web site www.mandelnewman.com for details on our evening courses (happening in November, February and May) and our on-site training.